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Sep 21
2009
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An in-depth survey of the patches, tabs, capsules, liquids and sprays meant to rescue your night from a terrible next morning. - By Team Hangover
When the bottle of Sprayology Party Relief homeopathic spray arrived at the Weekly office, it was quickly laughed at and then deposited on my desk with the dread words, “You know what would be really funny?” Oh yes, it’s sooooo funny tempting fate by intentionally bringing about a hangover, literally dancing for the gods to send down their nausea, thunderous headaches and spinning ceilings. Stop the world, I wanna get off! But with little boxes of “guaranteed” preventatives and cures showing up almost weekly in the market ... well, dammit, someone had to do it!
The very idea that we can drink as much as we like and not pay the piper come dawn is ludicrous. I laugh—ha!—at the notion just as I laugh at the ads in my Us Weeklythat promise a smaller waist, my dream job and a Chippendales love-slave if I pop a pill just before tucking into my Big Mac. The only true hangover preventative is not to drink. But you know what a teetotaling state we live in! Therefore, the next best thing is to have respect for alcohol and comprehend what it does to the system.
When we drink, (essentially) four things occur: 1. Dehydration. 2. Acetaldehyde intoxication as your liver labors to purify your blood of the alcohol. 3. Hypoglycemia or low blood sugar. 4. Vitamin B-12 deficiency thanks to the metabolization of ethanol (alcohol). And sometimes, as a bonus, a negative reaction to congeners, which are responsible for most of the taste, aroma, and color of alcoholic beverages.
For my trials, I went the homeopathic route, but you can address these concerns how you will; as we discovered, there are more than enough products on the market to keep you and your liver busy. All claim to interfere in the painful assemblage of symptoms we call a hangover. But let it be said here and now that nothing can reduce the amount of alcohol in your system except time; you should never-ever-ever drive intoxicated. In the mean time, the fight between good and evil rages on round after round ...
Jack Colton
The Coltonator
In a case of seriously inconvenient timing, my sample packages of hangover relief products arrived smack dab in the middle of a full-blown, four-alarm hangover. We are talking the kind of hangover that could only be result of three “let’s keep this party train going” bars, two “shots are on me” nightclubs, approximately 11 Long Island Iced Teas, and way too many novelty drinks with really stupid names. Irresponsible drinking at its finest.
And just as I was being mindful to not venture too terribly far away from a well-placed toilet or trash can—just in case my dizziness and queasy stomach finally got the best of me—I figured that it really couldn’t hurt matters to try my Drinkin’ Mate tabs and hope for the best. At this point in a really bad hangover, you can’t expect too much from anything, so I was actually surprised when it helped relax my stomach to the point where the sight of food wasn’t too dangerous. Coltonater 1, Hangover 0.
Now armed with a seemingly successful defense against hangovers, I did what any reasonable person would do who had just drunk themselves into oblivion the night before: I went to Tao to research more products. After consuming a decent amount of mixed Grey Goose beverages throughout the night, I woke up the next morning and realized that I had remembered to stick a Sober-X hangover patch on the night before. I woke up feeling all right, but wasn’t completely out of the clear, as Hangover had one last surprise up its sleeve. As I peeled the patch off, I found there to be a significant amount of sticky residue left behind, which actually required me to rub my skin raw and to use more alcohol to get it off. Oh the irony ...
Deanna Rilling
Spectra Girl
The ultimate challenge in working on an article while purposely getting smashed is this: I can’t read the notes I was taking (not that my handwriting is stellar when I’m sober). One of the few things I do remember was my genuine desire to follow the lesson learned from my high-school science fair project: remove as many variables as possible.
Though drinking to excess was (hopefully) not what my chemistry teacher had in mind, I tried to stick to the scientific method while punishing my liver. Drinking the same amount of Captain and Coke during both the Cheerz and PartySmart tests resulted in somewhere between five to ... um... well, more than five drinks in a three-hour time frame. Hey, I just wanted to make sure I was sufficiently toasty in order to deliver accurate results to the Weekly’s readers!
Testing Cheerz was smooth sailing, but I ran into a major problem with PartySmart. First off, their packaging is not so smart. The horse-pill-sized capsules are filled with a combination of wet-dog-scented herbs sealed in a blister pack. All four of my PartySmart pills had already pierced the foil backing, but only after they had broken apart and created a powdery, brownish-green disaster in the bottom of my purse. The tragedy continued as I downed the least pulverized capsule and promptly choked on it like Dubya on a pretzel during a football game. (Looking back, there may have been a piece of foil still stuck to the capsule, but you get the point.) At least I didn’t pass out and fall on my face. I saved that for when I got home.
Matthew Scott Hunter
Mattman
I wake up late Monday morning with a familiar throbbing pain in my temples. I had taken a nutraceutical herbal hangover remedy called No Hang the previous night prior to drinking, but it quickly becomes clear that No Hang left me hangin’. But several hours and half a dozen ibuprofen later, I’m ready to try Sober-X. I’m already fascinated by its packaging, which features a bottle of the remedy superimposed on an American flag beside the words, “Freedom a clear choice!” I’m not sure what that means, but I remain optimistic. After all, according to the testimony of J. Mercer of Corona, California (also printed on the box), “This stuff is incredible ... it really does work!” As far as I’m concerned, if J. Mercer and his buddies at the scrap yard swear by it, then that’s as good as any qualified physician’s endorsement. But first, I drink.
According to the packaging, Sober-X can actually reduce the concentration of alcohol in your bloodstream after you’ve been drinking. And apparently, the only possible side effect is flatulence! But what about hangovers? Well, according to the Sober-X FAQ, while Sober-X won’t necessarily limit the span of your hangover, it has been known to speed up the onset of the hangover, “hence a faster morning recovery.” I’m not really in a rush to get to my hangover sooner, but after a few martinis, I sample the stuff anyway.
It tastes like pond water from a plastic bottle that’s been left out in the sun too long, but within an hour, it should make me sober enough to fool the enclosed breath-tester. The tester is supposed to let me compare my BAC on Sober-X with my BAC without it, but since it can only be used once, I’m not sure how that’s possible. I blow into the tester and wait to see whether the yellow crystals change color (indicating a BAC of .02 or higher). Nope. Still yellow. Funny ... I still feel drunk—not as drunk as I was an hour ago when I took Sober-X, but then again, I have now had an hour to sober up since my last drink. Maybe next time I’ll forego wasting my money on the foul-tasting fart juice and just let time do the work. Damn you, J.
MY hangover cure
“Jack’s Tacos (saved me quite a few times) and cold Sprite. Also herbal remedies always help.”
–DJ Michael Toast, C- Level Boutique, Planet Hollywood, The Palms, Empire Ballroom
Sober-X Anti-Hangover Patch
Tested by Jack Colton
***
Get it: $24.95 for a box of 12 at www.soberxusa.com.
Dosage: 1 patch per night out.
Active ingredients: Milk thistle, artichoke, green tea extract, vitamin C
Indications: Apply to clean, dry skin.
Preventative or cure: Preventative.
Taste: N/A.
The morning after: Tired, but not as hungover as without. Not super impressed.
Use again? Recommend? I wouldn’t.
Bonus: Can be a good conversation piece. “Oh, that? That’s just my hangover patch. I’m a professional drinker.”
Bogus: An absolute pain in the ass to get the sticky residue off the next day.
Drinkin’ Mate Tabs
Tested by Jack Colto
**** 1/2
Price: $9.99 for a six-pack at www.olivesandtwists.com.
Dosage: One effervescent tablet before or after a night out.
Active ingredient: Wild guava leaf extract.
Indications: Let tablet dissolve in 4-6 ounces of water, then drink. Only one tablet required before, during, or after consuming alcohol. If consumption spans six hours or more, take one tablet prior and one table after consuming alcohol.
Prevenative or cure: Both.
Taste: Like flavored Alka-Seltzer.
The morning after: Surprisingly not hungover. Tired, but not as hungover as without.
Use again? Recommend? Yes and yes.
Bonus: Helps calm the stomach immediately.
Bogus: Tablet doesn’t always dissolve entirely; be sure to shake the drink towards the bottom.
No Hang
Tested by Matthew Scott Hunter
Zero stars
Price: $3.95 for a single-use package at www.nohang.com.
Dosage: 2 capsules.
Active ingredients: Chinese giant hyssop, beefsteak plant, taurine.
Indications: Take two capsules before you start drinking or with your first couple of drinks.
Preventative or cure: Preventative.
Taste: N/A.
The morning after: The box says no hang, but I definitely still hung the next morning. This herbal placebo is no match for a real hangover.
Bonus: It taught me the word “nutraceutical.”
Bogus: It taught me that “nutraceutical” means “worthless.”
Sober-X
Tested by Matthew Scott Hunter
Zero stars
Price: $6.99 at www.sober-x.com.
Dosage: 1 bottle (50 ml).
Active ingredients: Filtered water plant sap, vitamin C, potassium sorbate.
Indications: Drink one bottle undiluted after alcohol consumption. Wait 60 minutes and test your results with alcohol breath tester.
Preventative or cure: Alcohol-reducing cure.
Taste: Like water in a plastic bottle that’s been left in the sun too long.
The morning after: It’s snakewater. The bottle says, “Individual results may vary,” but it should read, “You can’t sue us when this doesn’t work, sucker!” I still felt drunk afterwards, but since the breath tester didn’t work, I may never know for sure.
Use again? Recommend? Don’t bother.
Bonus: Comes with a nifty little breathalyzer test.
Bogus: The breathalyzer doesn’t work either.
Cheerz Anti-Hangover IntelliTabs
Tested by Deanna Rilling
Price: $9.98 for two packs of eight. tablets atwww.cheerzhangover.com.
****
Dosage: 1-2 tablets.
Active ingredients: Vitamin C, milk thistle seed extract
Indications: Take 1-2 tablets for every 2 standard alcohol beverages consumed (either intermittently or all at once), or more as needed. For best results take during alcohol consumption.
Preventative or cure: Preventative.
Taste: Orange-y. Like Tang.
The morning after: Not hungover Surprisingly normal. Whoa—this actually worked.
Use again? Recommend? Yes and yes.
Bonus: Its travel-ability. Cheerz tablets hold up well when jumbled around in a purse full of junk.
Bogus: It only works if you can remember to keep taking the tablets while getting smashed.
PartySmart
Tested by Deanna Rilling
Price: $9.99 for a 10-capsule pack at www.partysmart.net
Zero stars
Dosage: one gel capsule.
Active ingredients: Wild chicory, king of bitters, grapes, dates, bhumyamalaki and amalaki.
Indications: For best results, take one capsule 30 minutes before your first drink.
Preventative or cure: Preventative.
Taste: Horrible—like powdered Echinacea.
The morning after: Completely hung over with a splitting headache. Like DEATH.
Use again? Recommend? Heck no.
Bonus: If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.
Bogus: Doesn’t transport well.
Sprayology Party Relief
Tested by Xania Woodman
**
Price: $20 for one bottle of homeopathic oral spray at www.sprayology.com.
Dosage: Two pumps up to six times a day.
Active ingredients: Arsenicum, avena, bryonia, capsicum, liver extract and more.
Indications: Spray two times under the tongue prior to drinking alcoholic beverages, after each hour of drinking and when alcohol consumption has ended.
Preventative or cure: Both.
Taste: Perfume-y, bitter and floral.
The morning after: Hungover but it worked well after the fact to settle my stomach.
Use again? Recommend? I just might give it another go …
Bonus: Bottle is convenient for ladies with purses.
Bogus: Leaves a bad taste in your mouth and questionable breath.
Source Naturals Hangover Formula
Tested by Xania Woodman
***
Price: $18.50 for 60 tablets at www.sourcenaturals.com.
Dosage: Three tablets.
Active ingredients: Kudzu flower, magnolia bark, germinated rice, Chinese mint leaf, chrysanthemum flower, marshmallow root, gravel root and more.
Indications: Three tablets after drinking alcohol. If hangover is experienced the next morning, take three more.
Preventative or cure: Both.
Taste: Like a giant vitamin pill.
The morning after: Still rather hung over. But symptoms subsided rapidly 30
minutes after taking three more pills.
Use again? Recommend? Yes and maybe.
Bonus: Taken after drinking so easy to remember; leave it on the nightstand.
Bogus: Horse pills! Huge!
Cheerz Intellishot
Tested by Xania Woodman
** 1/2
Price: $17.94 for six 1.5-ounce bottles at www.cheerzhangover.com.
Dosage: 1 bottle
Active ingredients: Vitamin C, milk thistle seed extract.
Indications: As a straight shot or mixer, drink one bottle with every 3-4 standard adult beverages, or as needed. For best results take during alcohol consumption.
Preventative or cure: Preventative.
Taste: Godawful. I mean, like warm, flat Pepsi and dissolved Sweet Tarts. And it doesn’t go away!
The morning after: I was still hungover. But a far drunker friend I gave this to was up bright and early and singing its praises.
Use again? Recommend? Maybe, and not till I’ve tried it again.
Bonus: The tiny bottle is super convenient for throwing in a coat, purse and each has a one-year shelf-life.
Bogus: The flavor. It’s the only major drawback. That and the fact that it only might work.
MY hangover cure
“The best thing to do is called ‘the hair of the dog.’ Start drinking again. You already have the alcohol in your system. It’ll take away the nauseated feeling.”
–Jerry Vargas, bartender, Sidebar
